


a safe place to land

by bluroflights



Category: Grey's Anatomy, Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Post-Episode: s04e04 Don't Look Back In Anger, confronting repressed feelings, soft maya, what should've happened in 4x04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:48:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28087236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluroflights/pseuds/bluroflights
Summary: what should've happened in 4x04.
Relationships: Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 17
Kudos: 156





	a safe place to land

**Author's Note:**

> the beginning of this season in terms of Maya and Carina is really disappointing. I get why it's happening and I know that they plan on giving Carina more screen-time and attention when the show comes back in March, but it's still disappointing. Plus, Maya's lack of communication with Carina is really annoying - it doesn't have to be talking about their feelings just yet (that talking but not really really talking thing y'know) but c'mon let's at least get some type of depth in their scenes. This is my way on mitigating some of that disappointment. Guess we'll have to lean heavily on fics to get our Marina fics during the hiatus.
> 
> (tangent but whatever: i've noticed through youtube or reddit comments that many people don't like maya as a character and i get it, but i really don't get it. I think she's one of the more interesting and complex characters on the show, and she's by far my favorite - maybe i just relate to her more idk. love love love carina as well but they haven't given her much of a character profile yet so... but people really hate on maya. it's just crazy too see. writing is sometimes subpar but the acting is phenomenal and i don't get it. is it a lack of empathy or just disconnect in understanding? is it somehow linked to the inherent sexism and/or homophobia in our society? i mean there's hate on all kinds of characters - but there seems to be more hate directed to the characters like maya where they're not bad people but just make shit decisions because of what happened to them even if they go through their own redemption arcs and work through their problems. another example is owen over at grey's - i mean he's not my favorite but i get him and i like him but everyone just flat out hates him. Just wondering out loud and would love to start a discussion if anyone wants to share their own opinions.) anyways, to the fic!

_Oh, imagine yourself in a building_

_Up in flames, being told to stand still_

_The window's wide open, this is leap is on faith_

_You don't know who will catch you, but maybe somebody will_

- **sara bareilles & john legend, “a safe place to land”**

//

“I’m sorry about snapping this morning.”

Maya stands nervously against the doorway of Carina’s office, unsure and anxious.

Lately, Maya’s whole body seems to be tense and on edge all the time. She’d asked Carina to move in and while she loved having the gorgeous Italian around, it also meant boxes of all her stuff and rearranging of items, and a complete disruption to her perfectly arranged house. When night falls, and it’s just the two of them, everything’s fine – Maya’s body seems to always relax around Carina; maybe it was her lavender shampoo, maybe it was her melodic voice, maybe it was the cooing in Italian and absentminded drawing of shapes on her skin as they laid together, maybe it was the way Carina could work up Maya in all the right ways and make her spill out over and over and over just as easily, maybe it was the way she held her and made her feel safe, maybe it was the way she smiled at her, or maybe it was all of the above. She’d never slept better than when the brunette was by her side. But once morning comes and sunlight spills in through the curtains, all the emotions she’d hidden away and tucked into the corners come tumbling out into the open and suddenly all Maya can see is Carina’s stuff in places that weren’t there before and the glaring disparity between the two of them; Maya’s hard and cold and dark and twisty and Carina’s all light and stable and safe. Maya knows how lucky she is but her body and her brain doesn’t seem to think so. Things are perfect. It should be easy. It shouldn’t be this fucking _hard._ But recently she’d come to the realization that her brain was broken – ‘ _wired differently, Maya; there’s nothing to be ashamed of that’_ Dr. Lewis’ voice reminds her sternly – and her body reacts in adverse ways in tandem with her faulty wiring. Her mind and her body had been trained to be in fight-or-flight mode for her entire life and this feeling of genuine, real safety was not something she knew, which made it dangerous, while her self-destructive habits and the feeling of being on edge on the time was what her body and mind viewed as safe. It was messed up and confusing and irrational but that was her psychology.

Maya was doing everything in her power to _try_ to be secure in the safety Carina offered, fighting back the feelings of trauma-induced anger and battle it through, but it was so ridiculously _hard._ And maybe she was falling back into old habits and not actually fighting through the feelings but _fighting_ it and stuffing them down, but there always seemed to be more problems and more issues her brain had set up for her. Everything was new and overwhelming and she didn’t have the tools to process any of what was going on inside of her.

What annoyed her the most though was that she was a goddamn firefighter; this was her literal _job_. Like a fire, feelings were a blazing fire that threatened the sanctity of a home – which was safe and sturdy -and all she had to do was beat it back, right? Prevent the fire from spreading and taking over. But earlier, Andy had pointed out that while relationships were a form of work, they required a different approach, that what she should be doing is in fact the exact opposite: feel the feelings, and most importantly, _talk_ to Carina about all of this.

The thought made her skin crawl.

It was so much easier to not do that.

Carina looks up from her paperwork to find her girlfriend at the entrance of her office, fiddling nervously with the strands of her mask.

“Maya,” Carina says, smiling all light and beautiful.

_Ugh, how was she so **perfect**?_

“What are you doing here? Aren’t you exhausted?” Carina gets up and Maya walks halfway to meet her, accepting her greeting of a quick kiss.

“Uh, I was but I was just spiraling at home and I needed to come talk to you.” Maya had come off a 24-hour shift this morning and was indeed exhausted but her bubbling emotions were coming to a head now and she needed to deal with it. If she didn’t, she was pretty sure she’d do something stupid again, if not even more self-destructive and hurtful than last time, and the last thing Maya wanted to do was hurt Carina again. So, she was taking Andy’s advice.

The past two weeks had been a roller-coaster of loving having Carina by her side, feeling trapped and scared and flighty, hiding away at work (and subsequently with Andy, having invited her to move back in for two months), and stuffing her feelings back down when she got home, and starting from the beginning all over again. It was a vicious cycle and she could feel herself headed toward old habits and down a very dark and lonely road – one she _really_ did not want to go down.

“Okay,” Carina responds, and sensing Maya’s building anxiety, she moves around Maya and closes the door to her office. Returning back in front of Maya, she runs her hands down Maya’s arms, and asks, “Is everything okay?”

“I love you!” Maya blurts out. Oh, yup, here comes all those emotions that she stuffed back down. So much for her plan to not look pathetic.

Maya steps back defensively and walks to the other side of the room. She’s overwhelmed and needs to say what she came here to say and she will not be able to do that standing a mere few inches in front of Carina with the other woman’s hands on her. It’s too much right now.

“I…” Maya reaches the other side of the room and is met with a bookshelf. It’s filled with a bunch of medical books and journals but she spots an Italian-to-English dictionary at the far right; there’s plastic models of the uterus and the vagina on the shelves. She turns. “I love you,” She says breathlessly, as if finally relenting to the notion.

“I love you so freaking much and I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Like ever. And I have absolutely _no_ idea how to do _any_ of this. I mean, I’ve never even had a real relationship before!” Maya confesses, her voice thin and breaking. Her leg shakes up and down in place as she tries to fight back tears, fight back fully breaking down.

“Maya-” Her voice is all sweet and warm and empathetic and oh boy, was it hard to speak now.

Maya holds up a hand, cutting Carina off and holding her back. She needs to get through this.

It takes about a minute but eventually Maya lets out a shaky breath and continues, “I’ve spent my entire childhood becoming a mirror image of my dad because I thought that way I would get less of his anger and less of his manipulation. I know that I was wrong now and it did more harm than good but I’m still stuck with him in me, and everywhere I look I can’t seem to separate myself from him; his anger and his temper and his need to control everything. Sometimes, I’m afraid to come home. I love you and I want _us_ so bad but I’m afraid I’m gonna ruin it; I’m afraid that there’s too much of him in me for us to work; I’m afraid he’ll take over and I’ll snap at you or do something and that you’ll…” Oh god, this was hard to say.

Maya tries to steady herself, putting her hands on her hips. She bows her head, looking pointedly at the ground. Her tears were coming down freely now. _God, she was a mess_. Her breathing is shaky and so is her whole body and trying to keep herself together is becoming too much of an excruciating task.

“That I’ll what?”

Maya doesn’t respond, still caught up in her overwhelming emotions. Carina steps forward then, but only a step, trying to get Maya’s attention. Her voice is gentle and coaxing as she asks again, “What are you afraid of, bambina?”

It’s the combination of her voice and the pet name that finally breaks Maya.

She looks up to a concerned Carina, brows etched with concern but eyes in rapt attention.

“That… that you’ll stop loving me.” Her voice is small and she feels just as tiny and fragile. It’s confirmed by the way she’s wracked with sobs as soon as Carina rushes to her and wraps her arms around her, strong and safe.

Maya had been fighting back feelings of inadequacy (sometimes they were tied with the guilt she felt for cheating on Carina) for a long time now. Most of the time, Maya was still trying to accept that she deserved love and happiness, let alone receive it from a person as wonderful and extraordinary as Carina. It was hard to wrap her head around how someone like Carina could love someone like her. She wouldn’t have even believed it if there hadn’t been the indisputable proof of waking up next to her, finding her making French toast in the mornings, being able to kiss her and hold her and make love to her and fumble with American idioms and hear her speak words in Italian she barely understands. Sometimes she wonders if she had somehow manipulated Carina into loving her, and that thought sent her down a whole other path of guilt and shame. If she was being honest with herself, she did have the capability for it.

Carina holds her tight, absorbing the wracks of sobs and the shakes of her body. One hand rubs large circles on her back as the other holds the back of her head gently. Carina kisses her hair and murmurs in Italian. There’s words in there she understands like _amari_ and _perfetto_ and _tutto_ but other than that, she’s clueless. But her sobs drown out any chance of hearing Carina coherently anyway.

Maya buries herself into Carina’s neck and cries into her scrubs. They must be all gross by now and Carina will probably have to change but it doesn’t seem like she minds because she just holds her tighter and her head in place.

As soon as Maya’s over the initial breakdown and starts to settle, she pulls away from Carina. She hates this. She hates feeling weak and helpless and insecure. She’s worked hard to never feel as vulnerable as she does right now. It’s like she’s back to being a child, but then again, she supposes she’s never left that stage, emotionally speaking.

“I’m sorry, ugh, I’m a mess,” Maya says, reaching for the box of issues on the coffee table in the middle of the office. She blows her nose and wipes her eyes. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

Carina’s hand on her wrist stops her from speaking as the taller woman turns her around. She fixes her hair for her, smoothing it down. Maya sniffles. “Thank you for telling me that, bella. I know how hard it is for you to talk about this kind of stuff but, Maya,” Carina looks at her pointedly and waits for Maya to look at her to continue, “Don’t ever apologize about your feelings. You never have to do that with me.”

That just makes her want to cry again.

“Maya, I love you,” Carina says simply. Her smile is gentle and her eyes radiate warmth. “I love you, okay? And _nothing_ can change that.” She wipes stray tears away from Maya’s cheeks and leaves her hand resting there. “Even when you cheated on me, Maya, I still loved you. Yes, what you did hurt me and I hated it, but I never hated _you_. I could never hate you, bambina. You can never make me not love you. Never. Do you understand?”

This is all new territory for Maya and while there is radical love emanating from this amazing woman in front her, the alerting system in her body is blaring now and it takes all of her strength not to break out into a sprint and run very, very far away.

“I don’t actually.” She pulls away again. “You’re so _good_ and _perfect_ and _lovely_ and **_stable_**. You could have anyone you want and sometimes I can’t understand why you want me. I mean, I’m a complete mess; I can’t even accept feeling safe! I’m hot-headed and cold and calculating and dark and I have the emotional knowledge of a twelve-year old and I have absolutely no idea how to be in a relationship. And- And I cheated on you. And for some reason, you still took me back and told me you love me and I just don’t understand why. Why do you love me?”

It’s a question Maya has been struggling with finding an answer to and while she’s already ripped open in front of Carina, she might as well ask it.

Carina shrugs. “Because you give me butterflies whenever you smile.” She gives her one of her own now as walks toward her, wraps her arms around Maya’s waist and pulls her in. “Because you make me laugh and because yours has become my favorite sound. Because you’ve never judged me or the work I do. Because you respect me. Because you make me feel like Seattle can be home. Because I feel wanted whenever you look at me.”

Maya’s confused; this is not how she thought Carina would respond. Part of her imagined Carina would finally come to her senses and realize the inconceivability of this reality, and agree with her. She never imagined Carina would give her _actual_ reasons.

“Because you’re brilliant and brave and one of the strongest humans I’ve ever met. Because I respect how hard you work and I’m in awe of your fierceness and your capability. Because you are so, so beautiful, bella. And also ridiculously good in bed,” Carina grins brightly, a spark in her eyes, and a moment later pivots to, “Because you are kind and caring and have so much heart.”

The first set of explanations she could do, but this new list of compliments? Maya’s skin is itching again. But Carina keeps going and her hands are interlinked on the small of her back, holding her in place. Maya can’t get a word in edgewise to stop her.

“Because you always wash the dishes right after we eat even though it’s super annoying because all I want to do is relax on the couch with you.”

Maya really wants to dispute that because that doesn’t even make sense and also it’s not super annoying, it’s sanitary; a sink is not a place to stack up dirty dishes, it’s a place to _wash_ them.

“Because you wake up at five in the morning to run which is just insane, even on the weekends!”

Hey! Lots of people wake up at five.

“Because you cannot dance to save your life even though you’re extremely athletic.”

Okay, that was a fair hit.

“Because you’re you, Maya. I love you because you’re you. You are not your father or your mother or this terrible person you’ve made yourself out to be. You, Maya Bishop, are a wonderful human and an extraordinary woman. Yes, you’ve had a terrible childhood and made some bad decisions, but you try so hard to be better and that’s why I love you.”

She still can’t understand but Carina’s smiling at her with so much love and looking at her like she can see through her soul, so she relents.

Maya sighs. “I feel like I’m broken and I don’t know if I can be fixed.”

“Bambina…” Carina sympathizes. “Everyone’s a little broken; that’s called being human.”

Maya looks at her right in the eyes this time. “I’m a lot broken.”

“Then I’ll help you put yourself back together.” Carina says it so matter-of-factly and nonchalant that Maya’s rendered speechless. Carina’s willing to invest her effort, energy, and attention because apparently Carina loves her and it’s still hard to wrap her head around but Maya’s got to admit, it’s a nice feeling. “But I can only do that if you talk to me.”

“I suck at that.”

Carina laughs. “I know.”

If there was an game of avoidance and not talking about your feelings in the Olympics, Maya’s sure she would’ve won gold in that too. She never learned about emotions – not how to process them or even what they were. She was taught to believe that emotions were a sign of weakness, and the more her father pushed her, the more she set up her defenses against her own feelings. He’d done such a great job that even now, nearly a decade and a half after moving out, she was still in denial. But not anymore. And that was all thanks to the lovely woman in front of her. She had something to live for now. And someone. She’d never thought she’d live to see it.

To be completely honest, she wasn’t sure she’d even make it this far. While she loved the saving people part of her job, the risk of death firefighting carried was not lost on her. She _always_ made sure to follow safety protocols and never risked her life intentionally, but after every big fire, when she returned to her bunk at the station, she wondered if that fire could have been her last one; how close she could’ve come to her last day. When she thought about it, she never felt any of the normal existential dread or anxiety that people normally felt, or that her instructors coached her through in the academy; she’d always felt at peace. But that had all changed once she and Carina had gotten serious.

 _That_ had been an overwhelming feeling to say the least. The first time it happened, she’d spent four-and-a-half hours in the gym. And when her body gave out, she resorted to cleaning every square inch of the firehouse for the rest of her shift.

She was still a newbie at this learning-to-be-a-relatively-emotionally-stable-human-being thing and most of the time she felt so lost and scared. It was so much easier to be closed off. She was desperate to revert back to the ways she was most comfortable with – harden up and repress – but when she thought about the things she could lose, well, that scared her even more.

“But I’ll try.” Maya says assuredly.

“Good.” Carina smiles and it’s the most beautiful thing Maya’s ever seen. Yeah, maybe she’ll give this talking about her feelings thing a shot.

“Maya,” Carina starts slowly, tucking back a stray strand of Maya’s hair behind her ear. “If you think we rushed this and you need some time to figure yourself out, I could move out. It’s okay. If this is too much for you-”

“No!” Maya says, a little bit too quickly and a little bit too loud for her own liking. Carina simply raises an amused eyebrow. She takes a beat and tries again, “No. No, that’s the last thing I want. I love you and I love having you around, I just… I just think I need to stop bottling up my emotions. A-and trust your love for me.” That last part is particularly hard to say. It’s really honest and vulnerable and in her experience, being that way wasn’t always appreciated. She’d learned to keep things inside because then, her feelings couldn’t be touched by anyone else but her; they were in her control. She’s learned that entrusting that part of herself, something so fragile and delicate, to someone else was too risky. Now, though, she’s willing to take that risk; she’s safer in Carina’s hands than anyone else’s - she does have over a decade of training and experience holding fragile and delicate things.

Letting the most vulnerable parts of herself go is the hardest part, but she’s ready to do it.

“ _Sì,_ I do love you. Very much. And whenever you need a reminder, I’ll be here to tell you.” Carina leans down to kiss her and before their lips touch, she adds, “And to show you.”

Carina’s kiss is gentle and familiar, and the moment her lips touch Maya’s, all of her anxieties and fears she came barreling into Carina’s office with seem to dissipate. Maya kisses her back, intent on trying to be present in this perfect moment. Now that she thinks about it, she’s never had trouble losing herself with the gorgeous Italian.

“God, I love you so much,” Maya reiterates when they pull away from each other.

Carina smiles and chuckles in response. She kisses her once more, chaste, nuzzles their noses together, and states, “You’re perfect.”

Maya’s first instinct is to counter-argue but Carina doesn’t let her. “I know you don’t think so but I do. I think you’re perfect. And I know you think I am but I definitely am not. I got a lot of stuff in my past too, Maya – I just didn’t become spiky like you. But that’s how you survived, that’s how you protected yourself – and there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with _you_. You made some mistakes, that’s all. And you’re learning from them, you’re holding yourself accountable; you’re doing good, Maya. But _you_ , you’re perfect. Perfectly imperfect, as they say. And I’m not gonna hear another word from you telling me otherwise ‘cause I will not stand for anyone badmouthing my amazing girlfriend.”

There’s nothing Maya can really say to that, is there?

So, she shuts up as ordered and nods, a small smile on her face.

“Bene. Now let’s go get lunch – I’m hungry.” Carina slips away from her, grabs her white coat and wallet and reaches out a hand for Maya.

They’ll only have time for a quick bite in the hospital cafeteria before Carina gets called away for an emergency consult but when Carina kisses her goodbye and tells her she loves her, there will be this new warm feeling that overtakes the once-controlling and anxiety-inducing fight-or-flight mode. Maya will leave the hospital content in her decision to entrust Carina with all of her fragile bits and be nervous but in the excited, good way, practically giddy for the rest of the day. And when Carina comes home from work, she’ll have dinner and an opened bottle of wine already waiting, the fire stoking in the fireplace, (and later,) many, many teasing jabs from Andy, but absolutely no quandaries about settling into a domestic routine and a loving monogamous relationship she once dreadfully feared. Maya will share stories of her past she’d never told anyone and Carina will do the same; they’ll share their fears and their hopes; they’ll listen to each other with rapt attention, and tell jokes and laugh to cut through some of the heavy bits, and support and hold each other until they both fall asleep, cradled in each other’s embrace.

But for now, Maya takes Carina’s outstretched hand gladly and follows her out.


End file.
